Pity Post

If I am being honest, I don’t know where this post is headed or why I am even writing it. I felt I needed to write in hopes that it will help me out of this place I am in. It’s a place I can’t quite describe or understand. The only word I can think of is stuck. 

My emotions are all over the place. Last night I watched Cheaper by the Dozen 2 with my sons, and I had to force myself to hold back tears at various parts of the movie. It isn’t even a sappy film! In addition to being emotional I keep wondering what happened to my happily ever after. I am at a point in my life now that finds me longing for marriage and even another baby. I was hellbent on not having more children, but now a part of me desires that. I love love with every fiber of my being and want nothing more than to be totally free to give it away, but it seems the word lovelorn had been affixed to my forehead. I’m knocking on Heaven’s door all like, “Um, excuse me. Where is the man from whose rib I was created? I’ve been single since 2006. Can a sistah finally get partnered up? Are those my angels over there playing Russian Roulette with my heart?!”

Then there is my career, or lack thereof. If I had my way I would be writing a column for a women’s magazine and owning clothing, house wares, and fitness boutiques. I don’t want to have to work for anyone else anymore. I want the freedom that comes with entrepreneurship and to be able to travel the world. Corporate America can suck the life out of you. I feel like a robot. Always the same shit just different days. What am I really working for other than to pay bills? 

I keep telling myself to vibrate higher, but sometimes I just don’t want to. I’m giving myself a few days to wallow in this emotional state, and then I will force myself to put on my big girl panties and just deal. At times like this I wish I was a weed smoker.