I go through periods of metaphoric deaths, usually coupled with celibacy, isolation, and intense introspection. When the phases are complete I am reborn and want nothing more than multiple outlets for my boisterous passion and impetuous energy. This is usually the place new lovers are inserted into my life. My sex drive is strong and consistent during my rebirths and smoldering during the deaths. I love the merging and intimacy of sex, the passion, animalism, tenderness, and the healing. My last “death” awakened and catapulted me so far past my last spiritual level that I feel like a new, lighter, and freer woman living authenticity in my soul, in my skin. I know there are more levels to reach, but the one I’m on now feels so good physically and mentally.
Sex and catastrophe have always been life changing and
regenerative for me. Repeated Phoenix risings of sorts. I suppose this is due
to my abundant Plutonian energy. Pluto is my most dominate planet, and of
course it’s marked by death, rebirth, secrets, and sexuality. I’m intensely
private, especially about my family, spirituality, and love life, so I usually
hold back in my writing, but I feel the need to be transparent right now.
I grew up in church, but religion never felt comfortable to
me. I couldn’t relax into it even when I was going through the motions of it.
I’ve always had this need to know why sex was so taboo and to be feared. If I’m
being honest, I can’t say I blame my ex-husband for cheating on me. I did
everything I was taught to do. I was taught how to be a WIFE, how to: cook,
clean, stay pretty, keep the house tidy, keep the kids clean, be everything my
husband needed (not according to his own admission but by older women before
me), and to give my husband access to my body whenever he wanted because it was
no longer my body. It became HIS body. Typing that made me want to puke and
clench my legs tightly together. What a disgusting and disempowering way to
live, but that is a whole ‘nother topic, so I digress. Sex was a chore for me
when I was married. I was taught to save myself for marriage then instantly
become a porno star once I said, “I do.” It was hard to enjoy sex after I had
been taught it defiles and can send me to Hell. Even though I had premarital
sex with him I didn’t enjoy it because I felt terrible and as though God was
disappointed in me. It’s no wonder I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 25.
Anyway, it wasn’t until my divorce fell apart and I had to rebuild my entire
life from ground zero did I begin to understand the power of owning my body, my
sex, and my sexuality.
Initially I was looking for an escape from my pain, and wine
wasn’t strong enough to soothe the sting of my pain and bruised confidence. In
walked a man who was supposed to be off limits to me, but the moment I laid
eyes on him I instinctively knew we would be together and have a damn good
time. I didn’t make any moves or do anything outlandish to garner his
attention. I knew he felt my energy. To make a long story short, for the first
time in my life I had amazing mind-blowing sex and orgasms so intense they had
me shook! Both literally and figuratively.
By the time we crossed paths I was a bit apathetic and had
grown tired of fear-based religion. I needed something different. I needed a
truth that resonated with me, one I didn’t have to force myself to accept. I
was also in a period of uncovering more of my own personal truth and adjusting
my morals, beliefs, and life to accommodate those truths. I became addicted to
sex with him because those were some of the only moments I allowed myself to be
totally free, and that freedom opened doors for me outside of sex. Once my need
of him expired and I had gleaned all I could from him I let him go and closed
the door on our sexual relationship. I now understand it wasn’t necessarily sex
with him that opened the door to my freedom. It was my acknowledgement and
acceptance of my own sexual creative force that had empowered me. I have and am
still learning how to harness, embrace, and wisely utilize that power. Sexual
energy is purely creative energy and the seeds of creativity and manifestation.
When I feel that energy stirring now I meditate and figure out just what I need
to create and manifest at that moment. The yoni is a sacred space and should be
treated as such. It’s powerful. Once the traumas and wounds surrounding issues
with our sexuality are confronted and healed we become unstoppable portals of
healing, power, creativity, and manifestation. I’m not as open to sharing my
body with lovers these days because I now know the power I have sexually and
all I went through to get to this place spiritually, but if we are vibing on
the same waves and the wants and attraction are mutual I don’t deny myself that
pleasure and opportunity to be expanded. Own your sexuality and change your
life.
