No Means No

I’ve known him for a short while. Roughly 3 months, and we’ve gone out twice. Actually he’s the guy from the previous post, 4th of July guy. He has invited me over to his place numerous times and has also asked me to go to LA with him for a weekend convention. I have declined all offers because, well, I had no desire to visit him or fly away to LA with him. This past weekend I was bored and decided to take him up on his offer to visit him. He made plans to cook me dinner. We were to watch movies and eat dinner. No big deal. I felt it was the least I could do because I have been mean to him, even a little rude. Let me back up. The reason I was mean to him was because I had to postpone one of our dates. At the last minute the boys’ dad called and asked if we could swap weekends because he was working out of town and the job lasted longer than he expected. I had no qualms with that. Anyone that knows me knows my babies come first, and they get first dibs at my time, finances, and affections. Anyhoo, I called him to reschedule our date and he pitched a hissy fit. He kept asking if we could just meet for a midnight showing of a movie and whether or not my mom could watch the boys so I could rendezvous with him. Um, no. I am not meeting you at midnight, and I will not subject my mother to an impromptu babysitting session to appease you. Just respect the fact I am a mother first and accept my offer to reschedule. Had we had definite plans or tickets to something nonrefundable then I would have asked my mother, otherwise, no.

This brings me back to this past weekend. I accepted his offer to spend the evening with him. He had just gotten a new apartment and wanted to show it to me. I got there, took my shoes off, and followed him as he showed me around his place. He was watching some summer league basketball game, so I proceeded to tweet and text since it was apparent he was into his game rather than nag him about not paying attention to me. He kept asking, “Who are you texting?” That kinda shook me a little because I am not his woman. He finally changed the game and put on a movie. That’s where the harassment began. He kept groping and fondling me, my breasts, ass, and vagina. I am known for looking like walking sex, but this night I was dressed completely down. Button down oversized shirt, cami underneath, cropped leggings, and chucks. Even my hair was slicked back into a bun. I kept telling him to stop, but he was persistent, so much so that he kept pulling at my pants and panties. I didn’t panic. I am usually always calm, and I didn’t want to alarm him. He finally calmed down, and I left. I told him I would never go back to visit him because he was too aggressive and scared me. He replied by saying he was nothing but a gentleman by inviting me over, giving me a tour of his place, and cooking for me. He even said he was being a gentleman by removing my clothes. He also said he remembers me saying I like aggressive men and that he may have gone overboard, but he was trying to appease me and what I like. I was certain I never told him that. It’s no secret I love sensual yet authoritative men because I am a sensual woman by nature.

I reiterated that I would not be back to which he replied, “You have a huge ass. That’s appealing.” Um…he lost me. I’m not scarred from this incident, but it did remind me to always follow my first mind. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. I am accustomed to men being respectful of me and my wishes. Of course men are known to be a little more persistent than usual if they are aroused, but every man I have ever been with has stopped if I said stop. I think I felt really violated because I was not into this guy. Not excusing his behavior at all. Ladies, be careful. Men, when a woman says no, please respect that.

Celibacy or Spread Eagle

May 21, 2011 after the Erykah Badu concert. My body, every curvy toasted almond colored inch of it, from my face to my toes, was licked, sucked, caressed, kissed, and stroked. I was lulled into a sweet multiple orgasm induced slumber, only to greet the next morning with several mini sessions of the night before. The entire morning into the late afternoon was spent binging insatiably on sex, sleep, lust, and pillow talk. No food, no water, no television, no radio, no grooming, just skin, intimacy and sleep. I felt like I had been locked away in a hibernating bear’s den, and I loved every earthy moment of it. I was starving when I left that den, physically, sexually, and spiritually. My binging ended and celibacy began.

I had to do this for my spiritual self and mental clarity. This post isn’t about my never ending quest for spiritual rightness, nor is it about my equally unyielding pursuit of perfect balance. This post is about my raging libido. I look like walking sex and feel like an orgasm waiting to happen. My biggest dilemma? Should I end my bout of celibacy, and should I choose to…whom shall I eagle spread for. I mean, 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, and 5 days is a long time to just randomly give up to someone. Don’t judge me. I think my body and kitty are prime choice, and I am very snobby when it comes to bedmates.

I am torn between my spiritual self and my hedonistic self. I went to lunch with my Big. I swear I must have thought about his lips on any part of my body no less than 30 times of the 1.5 hours we were together. I had a full out soft porn playing in my head remembering our many sensual encounters. Had he offered to leave the restaurant and follow him to his place I highly doubt I would have objected. I had another friend over for the 4th of July. I am so mean to him, but he never ceases trying to make me his woman. I love groveling men, so he always finds himself in rotation even after months of me ignoring him and his calls, texts, and desperate pleas for me to talk to him. He once sent me a text that read, “Abeg! Please, it take God to make you call me back. Your shakara don too much na. Please, just let me talk to you.” Anyhoo, so, as I was saying, he was over for the 4th. He’s very affectionate, always needs me near him and always makes me feel needed and craved, not just wanted. Maybe it has something to do with him being a Taurus. I have contemplated becoming intimate with him, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I fear he would become very clingy. He told my brother in law that he wants to marry me. We aren’t even in a relationship, and I have gone out with him all of two times. No sex, no form of commitment, never met his friends, just dinner at a restaurant. He really wants me on his team.

I live in a state of arousal, and my body currently hates me. I want to put her out of her misery, but right now her only options are the two aforementioned men. There are others, but I don’t take them too seriously. I would never toy with 4th of July guy like that because it just wouldn’t be right. I know he cares about me. I can’t do Big because well, he’s also the guy from paragraph one, and he had me dickmatized. Doing him would turn into an all out addiction. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to keep that eagle perched on a limb of a tree that reaches the heavens. I have learned a lot during my vow of celibacy, with the number one lesson being to put myself, my happiness, and mental, spiritual, and physical health first and to take it easy with my heart. If it’s meant to be, it will be. A man taking care to be attentive affectionately and sexually doesn’t necessarily mean he would be attentive to my other needs outside the bedroom. I suppose it just means he’s great in bed. 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, 5 days…and counting? Maybe, maybe not.