Celibacy or Spread Eagle

May 21, 2011 after the Erykah Badu concert. My body, every curvy toasted almond colored inch of it, from my face to my toes, was licked, sucked, caressed, kissed, and stroked. I was lulled into a sweet multiple orgasm induced slumber, only to greet the next morning with several mini sessions of the night before. The entire morning into the late afternoon was spent binging insatiably on sex, sleep, lust, and pillow talk. No food, no water, no television, no radio, no grooming, just skin, intimacy and sleep. I felt like I had been locked away in a hibernating bear’s den, and I loved every earthy moment of it. I was starving when I left that den, physically, sexually, and spiritually. My binging ended and celibacy began.

I had to do this for my spiritual self and mental clarity. This post isn’t about my never ending quest for spiritual rightness, nor is it about my equally unyielding pursuit of perfect balance. This post is about my raging libido. I look like walking sex and feel like an orgasm waiting to happen. My biggest dilemma? Should I end my bout of celibacy, and should I choose to…whom shall I eagle spread for. I mean, 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, and 5 days is a long time to just randomly give up to someone. Don’t judge me. I think my body and kitty are prime choice, and I am very snobby when it comes to bedmates.

I am torn between my spiritual self and my hedonistic self. I went to lunch with my Big. I swear I must have thought about his lips on any part of my body no less than 30 times of the 1.5 hours we were together. I had a full out soft porn playing in my head remembering our many sensual encounters. Had he offered to leave the restaurant and follow him to his place I highly doubt I would have objected. I had another friend over for the 4th of July. I am so mean to him, but he never ceases trying to make me his woman. I love groveling men, so he always finds himself in rotation even after months of me ignoring him and his calls, texts, and desperate pleas for me to talk to him. He once sent me a text that read, “Abeg! Please, it take God to make you call me back. Your shakara don too much na. Please, just let me talk to you.” Anyhoo, so, as I was saying, he was over for the 4th. He’s very affectionate, always needs me near him and always makes me feel needed and craved, not just wanted. Maybe it has something to do with him being a Taurus. I have contemplated becoming intimate with him, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I fear he would become very clingy. He told my brother in law that he wants to marry me. We aren’t even in a relationship, and I have gone out with him all of two times. No sex, no form of commitment, never met his friends, just dinner at a restaurant. He really wants me on his team.

I live in a state of arousal, and my body currently hates me. I want to put her out of her misery, but right now her only options are the two aforementioned men. There are others, but I don’t take them too seriously. I would never toy with 4th of July guy like that because it just wouldn’t be right. I know he cares about me. I can’t do Big because well, he’s also the guy from paragraph one, and he had me dickmatized. Doing him would turn into an all out addiction. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to keep that eagle perched on a limb of a tree that reaches the heavens. I have learned a lot during my vow of celibacy, with the number one lesson being to put myself, my happiness, and mental, spiritual, and physical health first and to take it easy with my heart. If it’s meant to be, it will be. A man taking care to be attentive affectionately and sexually doesn’t necessarily mean he would be attentive to my other needs outside the bedroom. I suppose it just means he’s great in bed. 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, 5 days…and counting? Maybe, maybe not.