I have contemplated suicide in my lifetime. The thought briefly
crossed my mind as early as this morning. Sometimes I wonder what it’s all for,
what am I here for. I know the answers and yet they elude me. I used to live
for my children. They kept me going and at the same time caring for them was a
burden because I was doing it alone. I have an amazing support system, but
sometimes there is only so much a support system can do for you. I do the soul
work, dig deeply inside myself to face my darkness to acknowledge and work
through them to get to more light, but if I am being totally honest, I’m tired.
It seems there is no end in sight, no sigh of relief from the pressure, no
light at the end of the tunnel. My love relationships are just as weighty. I’ve
noticed the pattern of attracting men and then having them leave after
professing how much they love me and how amazing, nurturing, calming, and
perfect for them I am, but somehow can’t seem to break the cycle. I love hard, passionately,
and wholly. A part of me wonders if romantic love eludes me because I keep
trying to give away love I should be bestowing upon myself. I don’t want to die
old and alone. I want love, pure love, heavy love, deep love, transformative
love. I used to think people who committed suicide were weak, but from where I
currently sit, I think many times they were just tired. The kind of tired not
even money can change. The kind of tired no one who loves you can change. The
kind of tired only you can relieve you of.
