What Does it Take to Forgive?

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated. I’ve been kinda busy, kinda not, and varying between trying to figure some things out and simply not caring about other things. Eh, the many moods of life. The one constant in my life lately has been men. What else is new, right?

I have a male friend that I have been down with since high school. We met as freshmen in 1995/1996. Most of our Honors classes were together. We shared a locker because of this, and our times in class mostly consisted of me trying to keep him awake and being disgusted by discovering he had drooled in the textbooks while sleeping. He held down a part-time job and played football, so he was always sleep deprived. Our relationship has always been platonic. There were a few rumors that we were secretly involved in the past because we were so cool, but that’s simply not true. We’ve slept in the same bed and never so much as ‘accidentally’ grazed hands. I love this guy! He has impecible fashion sense, random topics of conversation, great sense of humor, and that whole otherworldly thing that most Aquarius people have going on. What’s not to love? He visited me after I divorced my ex-husband. We talked for hours and fell asleep on the floor of my empty apartment. He’s gone to church with me and came out to support me at my book release party. I even named his first child, a beautiful little girl. She’s a Virgo, too, so you know she totally rocks!

A few weeks ago he sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out. I was free, so I said yes. We hadn’t seen each other since my book release party which was a few summers ago. Whenever we hook up it’s as if we had never been apart. Anyway, he said he would call around 7 to firm up our plans and whatnot. I was PMS-ing, so I was a bit fatigued. I went home to lie down and wait for his call. It was past 8, and he still hadn’t called. I fell asleep, but I forgot my phone was on silent. I awoke in the middle of the night to find a missed call and text from him along with a missed text from a totally handsome guy I’ve been seeing, Mr. HC Muse from a few posts ago.

I felt horrible. Admittedly, I usually don’t make many plans in advance. I prefer to just wing it and go with how I feel at the moment. I know I am fickle and flighty, but if I truly care about you I don’t haphazardly flake. I make efforts to honor my words. I called him, and he sent me to voicemail. I left a message explaining what happened and offered to make it up to him however he saw fit. No reply. I sent him a text explaining again what happened. He gave me some nonchalant half-assed reply about being hurt and disappointed and now that he knows I am a flaker he knows what to expect from me. I tried to plead with him and get him to understand that I truly didn’t stand him up on purpose. He wasn’t having it, so I dropped it. I’m not good at groveling, and he said he’s good at giving people a hard time. I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t exhaust myself trying to get other people to change their stances, either. I am sincere. When I apologize I truly mean it, otherwise I don’t even bother with apologies. I am truly puzzled as to why he’s so upset. One would swear I had flaked on a guy that I was romantically involved with. Like seriously, what gives?! I wish there was a way we could get past this, but I suppose only time changes some circumstances and other times things simply play out the way they are supposed to. I love him, but I also am not one to kiss anyone’s ass in the name of forgiveness. You either forgive or you don’t. End of discussion.

Do you expect the party that wronged you to grovel for your forgiveness?