Sober Thoughts

• I am working on a novel. I don’t know how to classify it, but it touches on the dichotomy of being both human and a spirit being. It also brings to life the spirits we face of lust, sexual perversion, envy, greed, etc.
  




• I think having gone through a divorce has taught me how to think and act like a man in terms of being a survivor and go-getter, but I am still very feminine. I suppose I am a study of contradictions. It’s a cumbersome reality, but it’s my reality.
  




• Sometimes I wish I had a man around simply to rub cocoa butter on my back at night. I am pretty good at doing it myself, but it takes a bit of strategy and flexibility.
  




• My father worries about me not being married. I wish he wouldn’t worry about me so much, but it’s what parents do.
  




• I am convinced I was born in the wrong decade. LOL
  




• I’m an INTJ female. INTJ females are rare, comprising only approximately 1-3% of the world's population. I am moody, blunt, honest, deceptively cold and aloof, but I am also very protective of the people I love and would quietly go without to make sure they have.
  




• I don’t like weaknesses in myself or other people, but I accept them.
  




• I don’t respond to much of anything. I must analyze the situation to verify what I think and feel.
  




• Music soothes my soul. Beautiful things make me smile. Love calms me.
  




• There is something so surreal about knowing the voice of God.

No Means No

I’ve known him for a short while. Roughly 3 months, and we’ve gone out twice. Actually he’s the guy from the previous post, 4th of July guy. He has invited me over to his place numerous times and has also asked me to go to LA with him for a weekend convention. I have declined all offers because, well, I had no desire to visit him or fly away to LA with him. This past weekend I was bored and decided to take him up on his offer to visit him. He made plans to cook me dinner. We were to watch movies and eat dinner. No big deal. I felt it was the least I could do because I have been mean to him, even a little rude. Let me back up. The reason I was mean to him was because I had to postpone one of our dates. At the last minute the boys’ dad called and asked if we could swap weekends because he was working out of town and the job lasted longer than he expected. I had no qualms with that. Anyone that knows me knows my babies come first, and they get first dibs at my time, finances, and affections. Anyhoo, I called him to reschedule our date and he pitched a hissy fit. He kept asking if we could just meet for a midnight showing of a movie and whether or not my mom could watch the boys so I could rendezvous with him. Um, no. I am not meeting you at midnight, and I will not subject my mother to an impromptu babysitting session to appease you. Just respect the fact I am a mother first and accept my offer to reschedule. Had we had definite plans or tickets to something nonrefundable then I would have asked my mother, otherwise, no.

This brings me back to this past weekend. I accepted his offer to spend the evening with him. He had just gotten a new apartment and wanted to show it to me. I got there, took my shoes off, and followed him as he showed me around his place. He was watching some summer league basketball game, so I proceeded to tweet and text since it was apparent he was into his game rather than nag him about not paying attention to me. He kept asking, “Who are you texting?” That kinda shook me a little because I am not his woman. He finally changed the game and put on a movie. That’s where the harassment began. He kept groping and fondling me, my breasts, ass, and vagina. I am known for looking like walking sex, but this night I was dressed completely down. Button down oversized shirt, cami underneath, cropped leggings, and chucks. Even my hair was slicked back into a bun. I kept telling him to stop, but he was persistent, so much so that he kept pulling at my pants and panties. I didn’t panic. I am usually always calm, and I didn’t want to alarm him. He finally calmed down, and I left. I told him I would never go back to visit him because he was too aggressive and scared me. He replied by saying he was nothing but a gentleman by inviting me over, giving me a tour of his place, and cooking for me. He even said he was being a gentleman by removing my clothes. He also said he remembers me saying I like aggressive men and that he may have gone overboard, but he was trying to appease me and what I like. I was certain I never told him that. It’s no secret I love sensual yet authoritative men because I am a sensual woman by nature.

I reiterated that I would not be back to which he replied, “You have a huge ass. That’s appealing.” Um…he lost me. I’m not scarred from this incident, but it did remind me to always follow my first mind. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. I am accustomed to men being respectful of me and my wishes. Of course men are known to be a little more persistent than usual if they are aroused, but every man I have ever been with has stopped if I said stop. I think I felt really violated because I was not into this guy. Not excusing his behavior at all. Ladies, be careful. Men, when a woman says no, please respect that.

Celibacy or Spread Eagle

May 21, 2011 after the Erykah Badu concert. My body, every curvy toasted almond colored inch of it, from my face to my toes, was licked, sucked, caressed, kissed, and stroked. I was lulled into a sweet multiple orgasm induced slumber, only to greet the next morning with several mini sessions of the night before. The entire morning into the late afternoon was spent binging insatiably on sex, sleep, lust, and pillow talk. No food, no water, no television, no radio, no grooming, just skin, intimacy and sleep. I felt like I had been locked away in a hibernating bear’s den, and I loved every earthy moment of it. I was starving when I left that den, physically, sexually, and spiritually. My binging ended and celibacy began.

I had to do this for my spiritual self and mental clarity. This post isn’t about my never ending quest for spiritual rightness, nor is it about my equally unyielding pursuit of perfect balance. This post is about my raging libido. I look like walking sex and feel like an orgasm waiting to happen. My biggest dilemma? Should I end my bout of celibacy, and should I choose to…whom shall I eagle spread for. I mean, 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, and 5 days is a long time to just randomly give up to someone. Don’t judge me. I think my body and kitty are prime choice, and I am very snobby when it comes to bedmates.

I am torn between my spiritual self and my hedonistic self. I went to lunch with my Big. I swear I must have thought about his lips on any part of my body no less than 30 times of the 1.5 hours we were together. I had a full out soft porn playing in my head remembering our many sensual encounters. Had he offered to leave the restaurant and follow him to his place I highly doubt I would have objected. I had another friend over for the 4th of July. I am so mean to him, but he never ceases trying to make me his woman. I love groveling men, so he always finds himself in rotation even after months of me ignoring him and his calls, texts, and desperate pleas for me to talk to him. He once sent me a text that read, “Abeg! Please, it take God to make you call me back. Your shakara don too much na. Please, just let me talk to you.” Anyhoo, so, as I was saying, he was over for the 4th. He’s very affectionate, always needs me near him and always makes me feel needed and craved, not just wanted. Maybe it has something to do with him being a Taurus. I have contemplated becoming intimate with him, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I fear he would become very clingy. He told my brother in law that he wants to marry me. We aren’t even in a relationship, and I have gone out with him all of two times. No sex, no form of commitment, never met his friends, just dinner at a restaurant. He really wants me on his team.

I live in a state of arousal, and my body currently hates me. I want to put her out of her misery, but right now her only options are the two aforementioned men. There are others, but I don’t take them too seriously. I would never toy with 4th of July guy like that because it just wouldn’t be right. I know he cares about me. I can’t do Big because well, he’s also the guy from paragraph one, and he had me dickmatized. Doing him would turn into an all out addiction. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to keep that eagle perched on a limb of a tree that reaches the heavens. I have learned a lot during my vow of celibacy, with the number one lesson being to put myself, my happiness, and mental, spiritual, and physical health first and to take it easy with my heart. If it’s meant to be, it will be. A man taking care to be attentive affectionately and sexually doesn’t necessarily mean he would be attentive to my other needs outside the bedroom. I suppose it just means he’s great in bed. 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, 5 days…and counting? Maybe, maybe not.

Commitment Phobic

Hi. My name is Chantay. I love love, soft kisses, giggling, daydreaming, making love, and oh yeah, I fear making commitments. I wasn’t always this way. There have been a few Bigs (Sex and the City) in my life that I would have gladly jumped at the opportunity to wed. Therein lays my problem. I love a challenge, want the unobtainable, pursue the impossible, and hope for beautiful rainbows, unicorns, and colorful butterflies, and I protect my sense of freedom at all costs. “I say who! I say when! I say who!” – Vivian from Pretty Woman

I don’t naturally gravitate to men or things that come easily to me. I prefer to seduce and be seduced. I want my mind and curiosity fondled and fucked and eventually the same for my body. The Bigs in my life were quite adept at keeping me intrigued by matching and even surpassing me in my unscripted manner of giving a little and retreating a little, then back to giving. Our relationships were never labeled. We talked, laughed, had amazing sex, shared secrets and dinners, offered companionship, and sincerely cared for each other, but we were never exclusive even if the topics of marriage and babies came up. We had fun. If something better came along we were all free to go and pursue whatever tickled our fancies. No labels. No commitments. When I felt my feelings getting too involved and too attached, I removed myself from the non-relationships.

I want love, commitment, trust, mind blowing sex, companionship, and fun. I want all of that in a marriage, but in the mean time I want to be committed only to flights of fancy. That’s what I told myself. In walks him, the perfect yang to my yin. He came in and challenged me on everything I profess to be. I say I’m free spirited. He wants me to travel the world with him and eventually retire in South Africa. I say I don’t stay mad long, never want to go to bed mad, and would prefer the same from a partner. I became the one that shut him out because I was upset over a misunderstanding, and it was him finding numerous ways to reach out to me to solve the matter because he didn’t want me to go to bed mad. I say I love hard and completely. He says love is a choice one makes and decided to love me almost immediately, but patiently waited for my love in return. I say I am nonjudgmental and open-minded. He divulged parts of his sexual past with me that no other man would dare be so candid and honest about, forcing me to reevaluate my relationship deal breakers. I say I want a man that’s always aware of me. He’s so aware of me he senses my moods while being oceans and continents away and picks up on my subtle changes of habit. I tried to find anything to be wrong with him so he would go away and leave me to my cherished freedom. Every time I became lost in my mind and looking for a way out because I was starting to feel as though the demon of commitment was causing me to hyperventilate, he would always, as if on cue, find a sweet effortless way to woo me back to him. I suppose being single for years after a broken marriage can have you running away from the very things you seek the most.

Unlike the Bigs in my life, he sees past the sexpot enigma and free spirited nature of me and into the deepest hidden parts of me. He knows my fears, my bad habits, and hang-ups. He even loves the fact I have a real potty mouth and likes when I swear at him. Yeah, he’s a sick man. Slowly and consistently he’s making me see commitment as less of a restriction, and more of a freedom to totally be my whole self in the presence of another that totally adores and embraces my quirks. He’s totally down for love, commitment, trust, mind blowing sex, companionship, and fun, but he also has an idea of how he wants my wedding ring to look. I suppose that would serve as a Dear John letter to the former Bigs in my life. I was made for loving. He’s tapping into my reservoir of it.

You're Turning Me On

I love to watch men eat. If you’re ‘friends’ with me on facebook you may have seen my post on that. It’s true; I shamefully admit I love to watch my date/man/male companion eat. It’s such an erotic turn on for me. It’s no secret that food is one gateway to a man’s heart, so it’s something they hold dear to them. I like to watch because they eat with such passion and nothing else really matters at that moment other than their hunger being sated, and they are usually very happy and accommodating afterward. Let’s face it, men get mean, irritated, moody, and down right cranky when they are hungry. Feed them, and all the world’s a happy place. I think for me it also turns me on because I don’t have full undivided attention because he’s focused on something other than me, and yeah…it makes me think about that, too. Go ahead, judge me.

I am obsessed with men that let me do and be me but also let me know when it’s time to submit. I am very offbeat and quirky with many fleeting passions and obsessions, so it takes a special man to keep in sync with me. I had a special friend; we shall refer to him as Dr. Cush. Dr. Cush would allow me to tease him to his limits. I would straddle his lap, instruct him to lay back, close his eyes and not touch me. I would then very slowly maneuver my lips about his face but never have them actually touch his face. When he was done being teased he very gently but authoritatively let me know it was time for me to get up so he could put it down. He was also very patient when it came to dealing with me and my never ending quest to balance my highly spiritually aware half with my highly sensual and hedonistic half. It’s a dichotomy of incredibly opposing forces that causes me to indulge in my craving and later withdraw from sensual pleasures of the physical kind then start all over with indulgence. He was there. We would switch from teasing and coy wordplay to having conversations that never included sex. He intrigued me because of his ability to always be on whatever page I was on. That made me crave him all the more.

Danger is arousing. Not DANGER danger, but a small adrenaline rush. Dr. Cush sometimes came over for gatherings. I would be in the kitchen cooking or fixing a plate or something of the sort, and he would pass me to go to the refrigerator. If my hair was up in a bun he would very lightly kiss the back of my neck or ‘accidentally’ run his fingers across my bum. Because it was always so subtle coupled with the fact there was always to chance someone would see him, I would be instantly aroused.

Last but certainly not least, potential is a turn-on. A man’s potential, real or imagined, is often what keeps a woman’s heartstrings attached to a man she should probably let go of. As long as she can see potential she has hope.

So, what are your turn-ons?

The Good Thing

I believe inside every woman lies a portion of the Arc of Covenant, but I think the world has gotten it twisted. Thirsty females vying for men by any means necessary and putting up with nonsense are making men feel like they are the gifts, when in reality, women are the 'good things' that bring the promises of enriched lives. To truly love and cherish a woman is to love yourself and taste a small portion of Heaven on earth.


I can’t speak for all women, but I like to be pursued. Summon me like the king that you are, and I will respond in a queenly fashion. Many men have told me they don’t like being ‘hunted,’ rather they prefer to be the aggressors. They admit they like for a woman to show interest before they make their moves, though. Fair enough. A well-timed genuine compliment or warm smile can work wonders for a man’s ego and opens the door for communication, allowing him to make his move. That being said, hardly anything makes a woman feel sexier than being wanted. It makes her softly purr like a kitty and elevates her femininity factor. Make her feel wanted and you’ll be treated to her feminine wiles that you know you can’t ever get enough of. A thirsty woman will lay it all out and show you her hand from the onset and not save anything for later. A calculating woman, on the other hand, will bring variety, spontaneity, and a bit of mystique to the table, slowly stripping away her layers and leaving you wanting yet always sated and eager for her to give you more. That is a rare gift. One of my personal mottos is: I am many things, but a girl has to reserve some secrets, otherwise the mystique surrounding her wanes, and she’s left being just another average woman.

Women are healers, nurturers, and producers by nature. A mother’s kiss can heal anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart. A wife’s touch can heal a wounded ego and the safe haven of her body can erase all the stresses of life. When you release into her, physically or emotionally, she takes your raw emotions as they cleave to the walls of her heart, and she either produces you a miracle that shares your DNA, or she takes on whatever ails you and intercedes on her face at the feet of God on your behalf until the issue has been resolved. Just a soft look from her has the power to make you feel comforted and supported.

Our gifts are not only spiritual, but natural as well. Every man I know that has gotten married has experienced financial growth and stability like never before. Wives are indeed a blessing. I leave you with advice given to me from my mother. If a man truly wants you he will make an investment in you. Not necessarily monetarily, but he will want to spend time with you and do the little things that show he wants and respects you.

Queen

I am a Queen in my own right

I only answer to that of The King of Kings

I want and dream only the impossible

Because all things are possible

I am gentle and kind to my subjects

For I heal with my kind soft words

I am not a harsh taskmaster

But I wash away the harsh treatments of the rulers before me

There is tenderness in my right hand

And love in my left

An unquenchable fire of love consumes when I open my heart

And light radiates when I open my mouth

As His thoughts escape my lips

Newness and freshness fall upon the gatherers

When His will flows from my pen

Old layers of lies are stripped off

As new ones of lightness replace

I am a Queen of oceans and seas

My depths are noncomprehendible

But my movements soothe and awe

I am a goddess of light

My beauty isn’t seen when looked upon directly

But is manifested in and upon all it washes over

I am a giver

I am a giver of blood

I am a giver of life

I am a giver of will

I am a giver of life

I am a giver of hope

I am a giver of life

I am a giver of love

I am a giver of life

I am a receiver of the injured and wounded

Because I am a giver of life

A Queen, in my own Right