Fear of Safe

I believe we are what we are attracted to even if subconsciously. We attract the things and people that and who vibrate to the frequencies we emit into the atmosphere. This leads me to believe perhaps I am afraid of safe. Let me explain.

I have always, since I started dating, been attracted to low key unassuming men whose quiet confidence make my yoni swoon. Their auras spill their secrets of being naughty, wild at heart, and free spirited in spite of their laidback demeanors. I always know I’ll have a good time with men like this. I never seek them out, though. They all just happen to find me in a corner somewhere minding my own business doing my own thing. I suppose my aura spills my secrets as well. Like attracts like. Therein lies my problem.

These men are so free they wreak havoc on me emotionally because they can’t be tied down for too long. It’s like they start suffocating, and freedom is literally life to them. They lack consistency. When we’re together we’re great. I’m talking two stars in the night sky burning each other with this intense certain je ne sais quoi that attracts and repels at the same time. We are other people’s ‘relationship goals’ when we’re out together, and it’s all totally organic, natural, and fluid, never forced or faked. It’s like dating male versions of myself. The ‘flaws’ I hate in myself I hate even more intensely in them, namely being unpredictable and the battle between being intense and all-consuming yet having a need to keep things casual due to commitment phobia.

The things I love about them mirror the things I love about myself, but these are also the very traits that keep me emotionally off kilter when it comes to them. They’re private and like steel trap doors when it comes to the depths of who they truly are. They let me in just a bit, and when I get too close to the heart they shut me out. Being a Venus in Scorpio woman, that irks my entire soul! I have a need to know everything there is to know about my lovers, but I also have a need to not reveal all my own secrets and things that make me tick.

I used to think I wanted a traditional life, something safe: a house, high paying office job, and a husband who catered to my every request. I could very well have that life because there are men who offer that, but I know in my heart of hearts I would be bored out of my mind. Knowing I and these men share traits has caused me to examine myself and analyze why I am the way I am.

I haven’t come up with all the answers yet, but I think perhaps because we are all mere embodiments of the universe at large, perhaps ‘safe’ is just an illusion, and the free spirits are out to denounce that illusion and live freely. Then again, maybe we free spirits are afraid of safe because we think it would require us to rein it all in and succumb to normalcy and boredom. Is emotional safety even a thing? I mean, is it possible to truly safeguard one’s emotions? I don’t think so. I think we attract the experiences and people we need in order to grow. Don’t mind me, though. I’m just thinking out loud trying to make sense of all the clutter in my head.