Sweet Escape

I’m sure almost everyone knows I am divorced with two sons. It’s also no secret that I am sensual, maybe overly so, and I love men. What I have never done thus far, however, is mix my two loves, my children and men. I take my mothering seriously.


Every other weekend my children visit their dad. That’s my time to ‘date’ so to speak. I know that isn’t ideal for some, but I get peace of mind knowing my children have my presence at home with them during the week. That means a lot to wee ones. On the rare occasions I do plan dates on weeknights I am sure to have devoted most of my time to the boys and ensured they have been fed, bathed, given any medications, and homework has been done. These weekday dates are usually reserved for men I have known for a while that travel quite a bit and happen to be in town for a few days. I also sometimes give these rare opportunities to men I really like that have been understanding of my situation and have never pressured me. It’s a small way of saying “thank you” I suppose.

My children have never met any man I have ever dated. I don’t want them to see me with various men and perceive me to be a loose woman. I also don’t want them growing attached to anybody that does not have a significant role in my life. I imagine it would be hard as a kid having different men in and out of your life. Not to mention, there are lots of sick people out there that love to do the unspeakable to children. One can never be too trusting when it comes to keeping the babies safe from predators. My parents have been married all my life, so I don’t know what it’s like to have had various step parents, but I do know what stability and the safe feeling of home is like, and that is what I aim for in the rearing of my little love muffins.

I want to be loved and lie in the arms of a man every night, but I am not willing to compromise my boys’ childhood in order to achieve that. I indulge in my hedonistic pleasures on my own time when they are away. I salute the men that understand and respect my wishes. They are truly gems. I make mental notes of their likes and try to indulge them when I can as tokens of my appreciations. It’s men like them that make swallowing the pill of being a single mom a bit smoother. I always feel like a schoolgirl sneaking out when I go out with them. It’s the sweetest of escapes.

Sometimes

Sometimes, as a woman that seemingly has her ish together but acutely aware of all her shortcomings, I need a wide chest to cradle my head and brazen arms strong enough to make me feel no harm could reach me. I need to stand on my tippy toes and kiss soft lips that sincerely beckon my own and peer into eyes that adore me. I inhabit the sensation of having my skin, curves, face, and hair caressed by gentle fingers that soothingly dismantle my fortress of ‘Never Appear Weak.’ Occasionally I need to be in the presence of a man that allows me to simply be my perfectly imperfect self, sometimes quiet as a cool breeze and other times inquisitive as a child. Such a man may prove to be the bane of my existence, but at least I will have felt like a woman while I existed.

What Does it Take to Forgive?

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated. I’ve been kinda busy, kinda not, and varying between trying to figure some things out and simply not caring about other things. Eh, the many moods of life. The one constant in my life lately has been men. What else is new, right?

I have a male friend that I have been down with since high school. We met as freshmen in 1995/1996. Most of our Honors classes were together. We shared a locker because of this, and our times in class mostly consisted of me trying to keep him awake and being disgusted by discovering he had drooled in the textbooks while sleeping. He held down a part-time job and played football, so he was always sleep deprived. Our relationship has always been platonic. There were a few rumors that we were secretly involved in the past because we were so cool, but that’s simply not true. We’ve slept in the same bed and never so much as ‘accidentally’ grazed hands. I love this guy! He has impecible fashion sense, random topics of conversation, great sense of humor, and that whole otherworldly thing that most Aquarius people have going on. What’s not to love? He visited me after I divorced my ex-husband. We talked for hours and fell asleep on the floor of my empty apartment. He’s gone to church with me and came out to support me at my book release party. I even named his first child, a beautiful little girl. She’s a Virgo, too, so you know she totally rocks!

A few weeks ago he sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out. I was free, so I said yes. We hadn’t seen each other since my book release party which was a few summers ago. Whenever we hook up it’s as if we had never been apart. Anyway, he said he would call around 7 to firm up our plans and whatnot. I was PMS-ing, so I was a bit fatigued. I went home to lie down and wait for his call. It was past 8, and he still hadn’t called. I fell asleep, but I forgot my phone was on silent. I awoke in the middle of the night to find a missed call and text from him along with a missed text from a totally handsome guy I’ve been seeing, Mr. HC Muse from a few posts ago.

I felt horrible. Admittedly, I usually don’t make many plans in advance. I prefer to just wing it and go with how I feel at the moment. I know I am fickle and flighty, but if I truly care about you I don’t haphazardly flake. I make efforts to honor my words. I called him, and he sent me to voicemail. I left a message explaining what happened and offered to make it up to him however he saw fit. No reply. I sent him a text explaining again what happened. He gave me some nonchalant half-assed reply about being hurt and disappointed and now that he knows I am a flaker he knows what to expect from me. I tried to plead with him and get him to understand that I truly didn’t stand him up on purpose. He wasn’t having it, so I dropped it. I’m not good at groveling, and he said he’s good at giving people a hard time. I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t exhaust myself trying to get other people to change their stances, either. I am sincere. When I apologize I truly mean it, otherwise I don’t even bother with apologies. I am truly puzzled as to why he’s so upset. One would swear I had flaked on a guy that I was romantically involved with. Like seriously, what gives?! I wish there was a way we could get past this, but I suppose only time changes some circumstances and other times things simply play out the way they are supposed to. I love him, but I also am not one to kiss anyone’s ass in the name of forgiveness. You either forgive or you don’t. End of discussion.

Do you expect the party that wronged you to grovel for your forgiveness?

What You Call Me?

You are who and what you are. I always say that, and I fully respect people that make no apologies for being whom and what they are. I am, however, having a hard time accepting the adjectives that most people use to describe me.


I would love to be described as ‘dope’ and put into the ‘super fly’ ass category like Erykah Badu. She seems like that homegirl that everyone likes kicking it with. I get placed in the ‘sensual/seductive’ category with Jill. I stan hard for some Jill Scott and have every album she’s created. I take it as a compliment, and I totally get the comparisons in writing styles, but sometimes I wish people could see past the sex in my work and into the true heart of it, which is the soul. My image means a lot to me, so perhaps subconsciously that is the only side of me I allow most people to see because it is the least controversial. My rebellious revolutionary thinking other half shows in my strength of will and refusal to conform to society’s placating way of thinking. It shows when I am with my family and friends. I am blunt, logical, and kick some pretty profound ish from time to time. I easily mesh with my guy friends without being too over the top and hard to deal with. At least I think so.

As for appearances, I get labeled ‘sexy’ more oft than not and compared to the likes of Kim Kardashian, Meagan Good, and Jessica Rabbit. I get that. I’m super curvy. Sometimes it would be nice to simply be referred to as cute, pretty, or down to earth, though. I feel like people are always expecting to get the sexpot enigma from me. My best friend told me, “Sorry if Erykah had your body, NOBODY would call her dope and fly except as an afterthought. You on that Meagan Good shit...I'm sick of everybody seeing me as a sex symbol. Um, bitch, have you seen you and your Jessica Rabbit looking ass? I'm just saying, I am not gay and the first thing I think about when I see you, unpregnant Kim and Meagan is 'sexy.’ Sorry, Quai-Quai, but even in a bun, glasses and a t-shirt you still look like walking sex.” Welp, I suppose it is what it is and I should stop crying about it. Everyone needs a Scorpio and a Libra as friends. They seem to match us Virgo people in bluntness and lack of tact. She wasn’t calling me a bitch, by the way. Yeah, we don’t get down like that.

I guess what I am basically ranting on about is lack of people seeing the other qualities being overshadowed by the more dominate ones. What are some of the adjectives used to describe you? What are the ones you prefer?

Embracing the Queen Within

I am a Queen. I reign in my own right and sovereignty of powers, not by courtesy. There was a time when I would downplay who and what I was to make other people feel more secure around me. I have since learned that security is a personal matter, and no one can make you feel secure about yourself but you.


I wear what I wear, paint my toenails the color I like, style my hair that way I do, and do what I like because I like me and what I like. If anyone else happens to take notice and like it also that just makes it a little sweeter. I have body image issues like most women, but that doesn’t stop me from wearing classic feminine sexy silhouettes that play up my best features and ‘assets.’ I am proud of my curves and flaunt them every day of the week whether they are in a pencil skirt and pumps by day, a freakum dress by night or a softly flowing sundress on the weekends. I get dirty looks from some of my female colleagues because I flinch not when donning a sweater dress and over the knee boots, pashmina, and huge curly locks to the office. I smirk and keep it moving. Confidence. Go get you some along with your life and stop giving me the evil eye. I think the sexiest things women can wear are a smile, sensuality, confidence, and occasionally coyness when it comes to men. Women are more prone to critique, whereas men do more admiring. Learn to admire and uplift another woman. You empower without losing power. It costs you nothing.

I am a pusher. My main purpose for being in anyone’s life is to motivate and push them to act to secure their futures. I want to know what your goals are, what you want out of life, what the plans are, what you need from me, and when you intend to get started. You will at the very least THINK about your future if I am in your life. I will to see all the ones in my realm know what it means to truly live freely in their creativities and freedom of expressions. Life is meant to be enjoyed, savored, and lived. Take chances, take an interest in someone else’s interests, and believe in them as well as yourself. What are you passionate about? Run with it! A Queen breathes life where there was none and is a servant to those she reigns over.

When I was a child I read the dictionary for fun. As an adult I have the word of the day emailed to me. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed nerd. I love words, asking questions, and probing the minds of anyone what will allow me the pleasure. I know a little about a lot. I love being pampered, especially by men, but I have no qualms with pampering myself. I love champagne, wine, silk/cashmere blends, pedicures, kisses, fast cars, and generous lovers. Opulence turns me on and earthiness makes me smile. I am a nerd that equally loves nice things and the simple pleasures of life. I am stubborn, defiant and a bit of an asshole. I am okay with that. Know who and what you are and OWN it! Who gon’ check you, boo? People have no choice but to respect the fact that you are who and what you are.

I vary in nature between the complexity of a Rubik's cube and the simplicity of a child's puzzle. My honesty is sometimes delivered with a smile and the sweetness of honey, other times with the biting tartness of citrus fruit. I am open-minded and nonjudgmental, but I never change my morals for anyone. I am a woman of exotic simplicities and understated complexities. I am a Queen.

The Beauty

I am an appreciator of beauty in all facets. I often wonder what it is about beautiful people, though, that seems to simultaneously captivate, intimidate, and rouse unjustified feelings of loathing and hostility. Even in the Bible, the beautiful ones seemed to be favored by God and rose to positions of leadership, but they had some of the hardest tasks to carry out, and more than a handful of haters…David, Esther, Rachel, Joseph, Solomon, etc. Even now beautiful people are favored and get away with more, but by the same measure they are exploited and disliked for naught. Being that God is the ultimate creator, are aesthetically appeasing people the ultimate forms of creation created to reflect just how asinine human nature can be?

It’s perfectly okay to have someone’s penis, fingers, and tongue in every orifice of your body but NOT okay to question them about their sex life outside of you. It’s easy to remain emotionally unavailable because when one can’t deal with it there is a harem waiting and vying for the attention and couldn’t care less about the ‘real’ you. ‘Friends’ has become synonymous with cut buddy. Having endless options leads to making no decision as long as a handful are always down for sexing. Labeling limits what ‘could’ be. Half truths and lies by omission are strewn about to avoid hurting feelings. Don’t ask, don’t tell, but the truth blares even when there are no words being spoken. I want it all, your all. Your good, bad, shallow, deep, beautiful, horrid, ambrosial, stench, tasty, gag inducing. I want you, your whole truth, your whole you, you solely, your soul with no other soul ties.