What Does it Take to Forgive?

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated. I’ve been kinda busy, kinda not, and varying between trying to figure some things out and simply not caring about other things. Eh, the many moods of life. The one constant in my life lately has been men. What else is new, right?

I have a male friend that I have been down with since high school. We met as freshmen in 1995/1996. Most of our Honors classes were together. We shared a locker because of this, and our times in class mostly consisted of me trying to keep him awake and being disgusted by discovering he had drooled in the textbooks while sleeping. He held down a part-time job and played football, so he was always sleep deprived. Our relationship has always been platonic. There were a few rumors that we were secretly involved in the past because we were so cool, but that’s simply not true. We’ve slept in the same bed and never so much as ‘accidentally’ grazed hands. I love this guy! He has impecible fashion sense, random topics of conversation, great sense of humor, and that whole otherworldly thing that most Aquarius people have going on. What’s not to love? He visited me after I divorced my ex-husband. We talked for hours and fell asleep on the floor of my empty apartment. He’s gone to church with me and came out to support me at my book release party. I even named his first child, a beautiful little girl. She’s a Virgo, too, so you know she totally rocks!

A few weeks ago he sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out. I was free, so I said yes. We hadn’t seen each other since my book release party which was a few summers ago. Whenever we hook up it’s as if we had never been apart. Anyway, he said he would call around 7 to firm up our plans and whatnot. I was PMS-ing, so I was a bit fatigued. I went home to lie down and wait for his call. It was past 8, and he still hadn’t called. I fell asleep, but I forgot my phone was on silent. I awoke in the middle of the night to find a missed call and text from him along with a missed text from a totally handsome guy I’ve been seeing, Mr. HC Muse from a few posts ago.

I felt horrible. Admittedly, I usually don’t make many plans in advance. I prefer to just wing it and go with how I feel at the moment. I know I am fickle and flighty, but if I truly care about you I don’t haphazardly flake. I make efforts to honor my words. I called him, and he sent me to voicemail. I left a message explaining what happened and offered to make it up to him however he saw fit. No reply. I sent him a text explaining again what happened. He gave me some nonchalant half-assed reply about being hurt and disappointed and now that he knows I am a flaker he knows what to expect from me. I tried to plead with him and get him to understand that I truly didn’t stand him up on purpose. He wasn’t having it, so I dropped it. I’m not good at groveling, and he said he’s good at giving people a hard time. I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t exhaust myself trying to get other people to change their stances, either. I am sincere. When I apologize I truly mean it, otherwise I don’t even bother with apologies. I am truly puzzled as to why he’s so upset. One would swear I had flaked on a guy that I was romantically involved with. Like seriously, what gives?! I wish there was a way we could get past this, but I suppose only time changes some circumstances and other times things simply play out the way they are supposed to. I love him, but I also am not one to kiss anyone’s ass in the name of forgiveness. You either forgive or you don’t. End of discussion.

Do you expect the party that wronged you to grovel for your forgiveness?

What You Call Me?

You are who and what you are. I always say that, and I fully respect people that make no apologies for being whom and what they are. I am, however, having a hard time accepting the adjectives that most people use to describe me.


I would love to be described as ‘dope’ and put into the ‘super fly’ ass category like Erykah Badu. She seems like that homegirl that everyone likes kicking it with. I get placed in the ‘sensual/seductive’ category with Jill. I stan hard for some Jill Scott and have every album she’s created. I take it as a compliment, and I totally get the comparisons in writing styles, but sometimes I wish people could see past the sex in my work and into the true heart of it, which is the soul. My image means a lot to me, so perhaps subconsciously that is the only side of me I allow most people to see because it is the least controversial. My rebellious revolutionary thinking other half shows in my strength of will and refusal to conform to society’s placating way of thinking. It shows when I am with my family and friends. I am blunt, logical, and kick some pretty profound ish from time to time. I easily mesh with my guy friends without being too over the top and hard to deal with. At least I think so.

As for appearances, I get labeled ‘sexy’ more oft than not and compared to the likes of Kim Kardashian, Meagan Good, and Jessica Rabbit. I get that. I’m super curvy. Sometimes it would be nice to simply be referred to as cute, pretty, or down to earth, though. I feel like people are always expecting to get the sexpot enigma from me. My best friend told me, “Sorry if Erykah had your body, NOBODY would call her dope and fly except as an afterthought. You on that Meagan Good shit...I'm sick of everybody seeing me as a sex symbol. Um, bitch, have you seen you and your Jessica Rabbit looking ass? I'm just saying, I am not gay and the first thing I think about when I see you, unpregnant Kim and Meagan is 'sexy.’ Sorry, Quai-Quai, but even in a bun, glasses and a t-shirt you still look like walking sex.” Welp, I suppose it is what it is and I should stop crying about it. Everyone needs a Scorpio and a Libra as friends. They seem to match us Virgo people in bluntness and lack of tact. She wasn’t calling me a bitch, by the way. Yeah, we don’t get down like that.

I guess what I am basically ranting on about is lack of people seeing the other qualities being overshadowed by the more dominate ones. What are some of the adjectives used to describe you? What are the ones you prefer?

Embracing the Queen Within

I am a Queen. I reign in my own right and sovereignty of powers, not by courtesy. There was a time when I would downplay who and what I was to make other people feel more secure around me. I have since learned that security is a personal matter, and no one can make you feel secure about yourself but you.


I wear what I wear, paint my toenails the color I like, style my hair that way I do, and do what I like because I like me and what I like. If anyone else happens to take notice and like it also that just makes it a little sweeter. I have body image issues like most women, but that doesn’t stop me from wearing classic feminine sexy silhouettes that play up my best features and ‘assets.’ I am proud of my curves and flaunt them every day of the week whether they are in a pencil skirt and pumps by day, a freakum dress by night or a softly flowing sundress on the weekends. I get dirty looks from some of my female colleagues because I flinch not when donning a sweater dress and over the knee boots, pashmina, and huge curly locks to the office. I smirk and keep it moving. Confidence. Go get you some along with your life and stop giving me the evil eye. I think the sexiest things women can wear are a smile, sensuality, confidence, and occasionally coyness when it comes to men. Women are more prone to critique, whereas men do more admiring. Learn to admire and uplift another woman. You empower without losing power. It costs you nothing.

I am a pusher. My main purpose for being in anyone’s life is to motivate and push them to act to secure their futures. I want to know what your goals are, what you want out of life, what the plans are, what you need from me, and when you intend to get started. You will at the very least THINK about your future if I am in your life. I will to see all the ones in my realm know what it means to truly live freely in their creativities and freedom of expressions. Life is meant to be enjoyed, savored, and lived. Take chances, take an interest in someone else’s interests, and believe in them as well as yourself. What are you passionate about? Run with it! A Queen breathes life where there was none and is a servant to those she reigns over.

When I was a child I read the dictionary for fun. As an adult I have the word of the day emailed to me. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed nerd. I love words, asking questions, and probing the minds of anyone what will allow me the pleasure. I know a little about a lot. I love being pampered, especially by men, but I have no qualms with pampering myself. I love champagne, wine, silk/cashmere blends, pedicures, kisses, fast cars, and generous lovers. Opulence turns me on and earthiness makes me smile. I am a nerd that equally loves nice things and the simple pleasures of life. I am stubborn, defiant and a bit of an asshole. I am okay with that. Know who and what you are and OWN it! Who gon’ check you, boo? People have no choice but to respect the fact that you are who and what you are.

I vary in nature between the complexity of a Rubik's cube and the simplicity of a child's puzzle. My honesty is sometimes delivered with a smile and the sweetness of honey, other times with the biting tartness of citrus fruit. I am open-minded and nonjudgmental, but I never change my morals for anyone. I am a woman of exotic simplicities and understated complexities. I am a Queen.

The Beauty

I am an appreciator of beauty in all facets. I often wonder what it is about beautiful people, though, that seems to simultaneously captivate, intimidate, and rouse unjustified feelings of loathing and hostility. Even in the Bible, the beautiful ones seemed to be favored by God and rose to positions of leadership, but they had some of the hardest tasks to carry out, and more than a handful of haters…David, Esther, Rachel, Joseph, Solomon, etc. Even now beautiful people are favored and get away with more, but by the same measure they are exploited and disliked for naught. Being that God is the ultimate creator, are aesthetically appeasing people the ultimate forms of creation created to reflect just how asinine human nature can be?

It’s perfectly okay to have someone’s penis, fingers, and tongue in every orifice of your body but NOT okay to question them about their sex life outside of you. It’s easy to remain emotionally unavailable because when one can’t deal with it there is a harem waiting and vying for the attention and couldn’t care less about the ‘real’ you. ‘Friends’ has become synonymous with cut buddy. Having endless options leads to making no decision as long as a handful are always down for sexing. Labeling limits what ‘could’ be. Half truths and lies by omission are strewn about to avoid hurting feelings. Don’t ask, don’t tell, but the truth blares even when there are no words being spoken. I want it all, your all. Your good, bad, shallow, deep, beautiful, horrid, ambrosial, stench, tasty, gag inducing. I want you, your whole truth, your whole you, you solely, your soul with no other soul ties.

Nymph and Pegasus

I absolutely suck at dating. I always have. I’m witty, playful, and sarcastic with a seemingly endless supply of suitors, but I don’t play games. I’m always honest about what I want and how I feel, and I don’t enter into any relationship lightly and casually. I am looking for possession. I want pure intimacy and to totally merge with and consume my lover. Yes, I’m intense. In return though, I am extremely loyal, trustworthy, honest, and devoted. Maybe this has something to do with my Venus sign being in Scorpio.


I view people as investments, and I am pushy when it comes to encouraging others to follow their dreams and ambitions and utilizing natural talents. I will invest my time, attention, resources, honesty, concern, and love into the people I care about and believe in. This is why I prefer labels. I need to know my boundaries so I don’t overstep them, and having boundaries allows me to gauge how much of myself and my resources I should invest in a person. I don’t want to waste my emotions and time trying to build something with someone that either doesn’t appreciate it or simply doesn’t want it. Be upfront and honest with me about exactly what it is you want from me, be it just a friend, a potential relationship, someone to kick it with occasionally, a bennie, etc. Let me decide whether or not I want to be that. I am very content allowing men to take control and define what we are, but if they fail to, then I define things on my terms.

I have heard and read many times that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting different results. I keep falling for the tall, handsome, GQ-ish, crown royal on ice kind of man. You know, the suave nicely dressed ones that make you the envy of all women when you are draped across their arms. They are kind and generous, bold, authoritative with commanding presences, lavish their beautiful women with compliments, attention, and affection. Admittedly, I love having a bold but charming lover I can show off. I bask in the reflected glory of such. I blame my Mars being in Leo for this. I consider these men my equals, and well, we look damn good together. Men want to be them, and women want to be me. Their boldness and charm match mine, and their authoritativeness awaken my need for a partner that can challenge yet subdue me. They can hold their own intellectually and respect my free spiritedness, intellect, and independence. The problem with men like this and me is that I don’t like playing second fiddle or sharing my toys.

I never assume I am the only woman these men are seeing unless we have agreed to monogamy, but once I find out for sure they are seeing other women, I bounce, or at least remove some form of privilege from the relationship, which is usually my open playfulness and/or sex, leaving things more cerebral than before. I’d rather be celibate than knowingly share. Yes, I have a big ego, but more than that I am totally genuine and don’t have more than one sex partner at a time. I suppose I expect the same in return. The thought of kissing someone’s lips that may have been on another woman’s honey pot just hours before literally disgusts and pisses me off. It’s all about reciprocity for me.

Yes, I am an oxymoron of a woman in many ways. What I essentially am holding out for is one I can give all of me to, one that can really appreciate my deep sensuality as well as my mind. Once I am secured there is hardly anything I wouldn’t do, give, or try to keep things the way they should be. I always gauge the temperature of the relationships in order to know what needs to be injected or subtracted to keep a sexy flow and balance of harmony and passion going. Maybe this nymph is hoping for her personal Pegasus to ride into realms and dimensions unexplored and live like the gods we are. I’m a dreamer with big faith, but I’m far from a myth. I’m the real thing.

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Islands of Pretense

Ain’t nobody trying to impress y’all. I know that sentence is all kinds of grammatically incorrect, but those are my feelings. Anybody that knows me well knows that I don’t habitually bash men and will go to bat for them on various issues. I don’t know about other women, but THIS woman is tired of the stereotypes in regards to honesty, integrity, keeping up appearances, accountability, what we want out of relationships, and countless other issues.


Men say they want honest women, yet when we are honest with them, they rarely ever believe it. Before I get into it, though, I just want to say I hate the J. Cole line, “She say she only f*ck like 4 or 5 n*ggas, so you know you gotta multiply by 3.” If I tell you my number you need only multiply by 1, or you could simply believe what I tell you. I really hate when men automatically assume a woman is lying about the sensitive things, or anything for that matter, simply to save face. I know things like number of sexual partners can be deal breakers for some people. The truth has a way of always surfacing, and I don’t want any man to be with me under pretenses. I have no need to fudge my numbers or anything else. It is exactly what it is. If it’s something you can’t or won’t deal with, then you are free to move around. No hard feelings. Some of us don’t care to indulge in the games of “Oh! Let me lie to him so he doesn’t see that I’m flawed!” or “Let me make him think I’m something other than what I really am!” Ain’t nobody got time for those shenanigans. I believe most things are black and white even when there are multiple sides to the issues. Bottom line, you either do or don’t, will or won’t, can or can’t. We’re all adults with free will.

I usually have an idea in mind about the direction I want most of my relationships to go. If monogamy happens to be on the agenda, then I bring it up. I like to always know where I stand, and I reciprocate that with others. There were times when I have told a man or two that I would prefer we be exclusive but only when they were ready. I give no ultimatums and play no games in matters of the heart. I love very deeply and am very loyal. I also let them know that I won’t wait forever for them to be ready and will be gone if they take too long. This takes place only after I have analyzed and determined whether or not we can be beneficial to one another. Understandably, this sounds like a business partnership, and in many ways it is, with great sex and friendship being ultimate bonuses. I don’t want a man simply to say I have one or because he happens to be sexy, cute, attractive, etc. My goal is to be your partner and helper. By the same measure, I don’t want to be wanted simply because I am found to be attractive. I have no qualms bringing my talents to the table. Tell me what you want or need done, how you want it, and I will get to work on it. When you succeed I succeed as well. I want to be proud of you and don’t want a man I can’t assist in some facet. I need to feel useful for something other than sex, cooking, cleaning, and making babies. Those things are easily attained.

I was listening to a Youtube cast thingie hosted by two guys I’ve met. The subject was about accountability. They went in on women, claiming most don’t take responsibility for their actions preferring to elude accountability. I had mixed feelings about the show and was even a little miffed at some of the opinions, but I can understand how they came to their conclusions. This post was somewhat inspired by that show. I’ll place the link below. The audio isn’t suitable for work.

We make things too complicated trying to either be what we think others want us to be or trying to decipher if others are what we think they are. Honest and genuine people get shirked in the process and lost in the shuffle of pretenders and cynical pessimists. Perhaps we could all benefit from strong dosages of spiritual discernment in order to dismantle the islands of pretenses that we have possibly become and project.

I do not own the image used in this post